


I Didn't Really Hate You

by Zoe13



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: M/M, Self Harm, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2014-10-04
Packaged: 2018-02-19 20:46:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2402312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe13/pseuds/Zoe13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke just wants the old gleam to be back in Michael's eyes. He doesn't really hate him, it's just the only way to see it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Didn't Really Hate You

Luke knows it was nonsensical. He had never hated Michael and it hurt that Michael hated him, but he'd done it because he'd seen that gleam disappear. He'd seen Michael  around before they met and he'd had this shine to his eyes that always drew Luke's gaze back to him and then it _left_. It was gone, and Luke was scared that it was for forever. But one day they'd had a short spat because- well, he couldn't remember, but Michael's eyes had shone with anger and Luke had thought _close enough_. So he'd picked fights with him. And every day Michael would walk by empty eyed and Luke would say something he really didn't mean and Michael would turn with his eyes _bright_ and _passionate_ and hurl something back. 

Calum didn't understand. He knew something was wrong with Michael and he and Luke tried to figure out exactly _what_ together, but he didn't understand why Luke and Michael fought. Luke didn't know how to explain.

It went on for about a year and then one day it just stopped. Luke hurled an insult at Michael and Michael didn't say a word. He just turned to look at Luke and his eyes were still empty and Luke felt afraid for some reason. Not _of_ Michael, but _for_ him. He tried again the next day and the next but Michael just stared blankly at him.

Something snapped. Luke realized that he was just making things worse for Michael instead of better and he stopped. But he wanted to help. 

So he went up to Michael one day and asked to start over and Michael said _why the hell would you want to do that?_ but he took his hand. 

Luke still feels ridiculous because of the shock that went down his arm at the touch. He and Michael may get along but they're still not friends because Michael isn't all there anymore. And Luke really wants to see that gleam again. 

Michael starts wearing long sleeves and Luke's heart plummets. Michael starts getting thinner and thinner and Luke feels like tearing out his own hair in frustration because _he doesn't know what to do, godammit._ Doesn't know how to make Michael healthy and happy or put that gleam back in his eyes. 

Calum's happy that they're getting along and Luke doesn't know why Calum finds it so significant. 

They start a band of sorts, Calum playing bass, him and Luke doing vocals, and Luke and Michael playing guitar. Michael loves music, Luke knows, but he's still empty looking while they play. Luke can only describe it as _distant_. 

He hears Michael sing one day and _holy shit_ because Michael's got this raw and rough emotion to his voice that makes Luke want to cry or kiss him and oh, that's new but not surprising. 

"You should sing more," he tells him without thinking, and Michael's lips quirk up just a bit, a tiny smile that still so genuine that Luke realizes he's figured it out. He starts complimenting him. 

Calum catches on but he sees that it's their thing and he only nods or hums agreement when Luke does it. It's small at first- _I like your shirt, wow that guitar part is hard but you do it so well_ -but it grows, and in a brave moment, he even says _you have beautiful eyes. I wish you would smile more._

Michael does smile more. They're shy, soft smiles, but smiles nonetheless, and Luke finds he enjoys this so much more than hurling insults and having his own self-confidence attacked because Michael is _smart_ and can play on that. 

He tells him the part about being smart and Michael has a bit of glow about him. It fades, but Luke feels more hopeful after that. 

The next thing he knows, Ashton's trying out playing with them and Luke votes yes because he wants Michael to know he did something right when he other boy seems to think he always does things wrong. Ashton becomes a part of their band and he flirts with Calum, teases Luke, and is this sweet sort of gentle with Michael. They figure out their roles in Michael's life and play them- Calum with gentle teasing and smiles, Ashton with things to distract him and jokes, and Luke with compliments and caring for him, bringing an extra jacket with him when Michael goes out in only a shirt (though it's long-sleeved- always long-sleeved) ad making sure he gets enough rest. In his happier moments Michael calls him mom and Luke knows it's a _thank you_ of sorts. 

Their band thing is really working. Then one day they're talking to _Louis Tomlinson_ and then _Niall Horan_ and then they're set up to _go on tour._

There's a hint of a gleam in Michael's eyes and Luke's heart wants to burst with happiness and excitement. 

Then several weeks before they leave, Michael disappears. He must be in his house, but he doesn't go to band practice or school or _anywhere_ and Luke feels fear again. He doesn't open the door to Calum or Ashton so Luke goes. Multiple times. 

He finds his feet pulling him out of the house at three in the morning one day and he follows them to Michael's house, even though the odds of Michael letting him in are slim. He doesn't want to wake Michael's mom, so he finds some small rocks and throws them at Michael's window. 

Michael doesn't let Luke in but he _does_ come out of the house. His beautiful eyes are underlined with dark circles and red rimmed from tears and Luke wants to cry from just seeing him. 

"Where do I go wrong, Mikey?" he asks, because he feels at fault, and Michael turns to look at him, wide-eyed. 

"Nowhere," he says softly. "What makes you think that?" 

"I'm suppose to keep you safe," Luke says, and Michael starts crying again. 

Luke's been afraid of the long sleeves for a while, but tonight he has to know. So he seizes the chance and takes Michael's cold hand in his own before taking the cloth between his fingers. His hand shakes and Michael breathes in a gasp but doesn't pull away, so Luke tugs the sleeve up. 

He's crying, but he doesn't realize it until a tear splashes onto Michael's wrist and slips down a scar, following its path before meeting another and turning sideways to follow it. There are several red ones, and Luke realizes that he didn't wake Michael up because Michael was awake already and doing _this_. 

Michael's shaking with sobs and Luke's heart absolutely breaks for him. 

He remembers his role. He remembers the flickers of light in Michael's eyes and the small smiles. 

"You're beautiful," he says, because he is, and Luke's feeling brave. Michael cries harder and Luke pulls him closer than ever before, Michael's head cradled gently to his chest. Luke feels selfish for wishing he could kiss him because what he wants doesn't matter at the moment, but his heart is breaking and he's crying along with Michael and he doesn't know what to do. 

"I'm not," Michael says.

"Have I lied to you since year nine?" Luke asks. "Because you have to know that I never meant anything I said that year."

"You didn't?" Michael asks, and Luke curses himself for trying to fight for the light in Michael's eye the wrong way for so long.

"It made your eyes glow," he whispers, and Michael looks up at him in surprise. "I just wanted to see them glow again."

"I never meant what I said either," Michael says. "You- I actually wanted you to like me but I thought you hated me."

"I'm sorry," Luke says, and somehow it doesn't sound hollow. "I liked you then and I like you now."

"Yeah?" Michael asks. He's quieted down but there are still tears on his face.

In response, Luke lifts up Michael's thin wrist and presses his lips to the scars there, one by one. Then he takes Michael's other hand and that wrist is worse than the other but he still kisses every scar, warm tears sliding off of Michael's arm and into his lap.

"We're gonna be big," he says. "Are you ready for that?"

And it seems that they're using actions instead of words tonight. Michael leans up looking nervous and Luke almost asks him what's wrong, but he presses their lips together and Luke kisses him back fervently, gently cradling his head in his hands. It's warm, and heat spreads through Luke's head and hands down to his heart. When Michael pulls away, Luke barely moves, leaning down slightly to press a kiss to Michael's neck. 

"I love you," he says against his pale skin, and Michael chokes out a sob and weaves his fingers into Luke's hair.

"I- I love you too," he says. 

"I'm going to take care of you- is that alright?" Luke asks. "You'll be okay. We'll be okay."

"Okay," Michael whispers. "Okay."


End file.
